The other day, as I was taking delivery of two new forklifts to unload the palettes of gifts fresh from the port at Krappy's warehouse number 2, it occurred to me that the burgeoning online gift industry could actually solve a few of the world's problems.
My analytics have revealed high levels of interest from all over the world, but in particular from Pakistan, Afghanistan and other countries not widely known for their obsession with obscure gifts. It would appear that gifts are actually more important than food, security, or freedom of thought.
This insight has given me ideas about a whole new line particularly aimed at people who go to bed hungry: the flagellometer. You strap it on your wrist, like a one of those callorie-walker gizmos but in reverse, and it tells you how much you've suffered each day, and how long it will take before your body actually starts to shut down.
It's really interesting, actually. Did you know that the first organs to fail are the kidneys?
The future lies in gifts
Nowadays, gifts come in all different sizes, shapes, and degrees of usefulness. We've all received that most uninspired gift, the pair of sox. You won't find any sox on krappy. Our gifts excel in uselessness. They don't even try. That's the way a good gift should be, roaming proud and free on the prairie of meaninglessness.
Of course, my mother doesn't understand the vision. She keeps fretting about the bottom line, banging on my bedroom door way after lights out and telling me it's time to get a good night's sleep.
Thanks, Google analytics! And thank you, whoever you are! (And thank you Jenny Weight for this ghost post!)
Once upon a time online shopping was new and full of promise. It has mutated into a global beast, that looks nothing like the bastard child of the early 2000s.